Life as of NOW.

The names Lydia, all of you if not most of you that are going to reading my blog already know this. I have been struggling for the past few months with my emotions and how to let them out without feeling extremely angry and alone so I figured writing it all out will help me to let go of things that have been on my mind on a daily basis. I started thinking about writing a blog on a weekly basis after a read a friend of mines blog and her personal struggles and it seemed like such an amazing therapy for not only myself but my soul.

I moved to Colorado at the end of April, it has been the hardest and most challenging things I have ever done in my life, on top of that I am going on 20 weeks pregnant with a little girl. I never realized how much my family and friends meant to me until I didn't have them at an arms length to me anymore. I cry every single day missing my family and praying that everyday will just bring me one step closer to seeing them. The realization of not being ready to move away from home hit me hard, even though I was already living out of my parents house for a good year before I moved out here. I would do anything to go back and just live with my parents again and accomplish the things that in my mind I will never accomplish now. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to be a mom and I absolutely love my daughter more than anything but being away from family and being pregnant has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world.

On top of the fears and sadness of being away from family and friends this pregnancy has been an extreme challenge for me. It has been a nightmare healthwise and a reminder of past expeirence that has broken my heart in more then one way. For those that don't know or even care to know, I had a son when I was 19 and gave him up for adoption due to situations that I still don't fully understand. I still think about him everyday and cry when I look at his pictures. I regret my decision to place him up for adoption everyday of my life and have never forgave myself for that choice. He will always be my little man and I trust that God let him be taken from me at that time in my life for a reason. He still holds my heart in his little hands, even if he doesn't know that. I trust that God is keeping him safe with the parents I provided for him and that he won't resent me when it comes to the day that he can understand what had happened. I wish I could change the circumstances but I know that God had a reason to let him get rolled out of that hospital room in front of me. There is a reason why God let me watch that. There is a reason for everything.

My son is just one of the things that lingers on my mind on a daily basis that constitently breaks me down and brings me up. I will continue to be judged for my choice and for becoming pregnant at a young age until the day I die but I know in my heart that he was the one thing that changed my life, forever. Now for my little princess, gosh, I cry everytime I feel her kick or everytime I watch her on ultrasound. I know God put this little angel in my life to bring me peace and let her help hold onto my heart. She has given me such hope that I just couldn't imagine my life ever without her at this point. At the same time though I am getting flash backs of my first pregnancy and that's when the tears fall and when my heart starts to break a little more then it already is. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life and has only started to become the hardest most challenging part of my life next to watching my son be wheeled away from me. That image is still in my head and I watch it over and over. Some of you may say, well you are just torturing yourself and should put your mind on something else BUT if you haven't been there then you will never understand.

I lived with my parents while I was pregnant the first time so this time around has been such a challenge because they were my rocks, my courage and my look to's. They always reasurred me and helped me when I was freaking out or worried about a symptom or weird cramp. I feel so far away from them not that, and I don't know if that is why I have so many health problems because I just keep stressing myself to the point that things are happening or I just really need them. I will always need them. I will always be my parents little girl and my brother's and sister's older sister.

Now getting married at a young age, getting pregnant, and moving out of state at such a young age may have been a mistake, may not have, I don't honestly know. At this point though my life is about Isabella and her health and her stability. She deserves the best life and best of life that I can possibly give her and I am going to dedicate my life to giving that to her. I need to put aside my hurt, anxiety and fears for her, no matter how hard it is. I'm not perfect, God didn't make me perfect, nor did he make anyone else perfect. I know people are going to judge and I take that as it comes because at this point my head already feels halfway underwater and I am just always trying to get enough air to get myself to a good place.

I'm sorry this is soo all over the place but I've just had so much in my brain just scattered ever where and I needed a place to vent and let my feelings come to the surface. Now I have never really talked about my son out loud to the public. Only close friends, family, and God know but it's time, I figure the more I talk about missing him and wishing I could be a bigger part of his life the more I will be able to heal. I'm tired of hiding it from people becuase they will or won't judge me or it isn't there business, well it's my business and it is huge part of who I am and who made me who I am. You are either going to love me or hate me for my choice, that decision however is up to you and you alone. I need prayer, anything helps. I believe God is good and has amazing plans for my life and Isabella's. I just need to trust in him. Trust is the word of the week for me.